Be Coachable
Learn how to improve your acceptance of criticism and feedback, and how to identify when a coach or mentor is shit at leading you.
It’s hard to be told that we’re wrong.
It’s hard to be told that there are better ways to do things than how we are used to doing them.
It’s hard to take other people’s opinions at times.
We can end up feeling attacked, we get defensive, we lash out, or we shut down.
When really we should be more receptive to coaching.
Are you coachable?
Coachability means willingly accepting feedback to improve. Allowing yourself to be open to being taught and guided even if it goes against what you’ve learned in the past. To be able to practice what you learn and handle any obstacles that arise instead of resisting new ways. And dropping any preconceptions and assumptions so you can fully welcome new perspectives and advice.
I sure as hell was not.
The most obvious way I wasn’t coachable was actually in soccer. My strong, independent personality clouded my judgment. No one could tell me anything because I believed I knew better. How could someone else tell me how I could improve when only I knew my limits and potential? But I was really only hurting myself and the team. I was too stubborn to listen to constructive criticism, I was too proud to hear that my way was wrong, and I shut down from taking any action on what I was being told.
Instead, I continued to perform the way I wanted.
I continued to ignore and give attitude toward people who were just trying to help me. They had the experience in both playing and coaching. They had the perspective of the whole field and each individual player. They knew how to maximize both my potential and the team as a whole. I was too busy making everything about myself because I wanted to be the best. In the process of defending my way, I was being selfish and letting not only the team down but myself as well.
Of course, this isn’t something I realized until years later.
Not until it started to affect other areas of my life. Not until I saw just how badly my inability to handle coaching was preventing me from progressing as a person and as a team member. Because it’s not just on the pitch that you can be receptive to coaching. In our personal life and our career setting, we can gain a lot from being coached. With experience comes wisdom, and I finally comprehended what not being coachable was taking from me and others.
How can you start to be more coachable?
Get passionate about your development, growth, and success.
Escape your limiting beliefs so you can focus on improving.
Place more value on learning.
Be proactive and self-motivating, seek out ways to improve on your own.
Ask questions, don’t make excuses, and hold yourself accountable.
Realize it’s your responsibility to put in the work and continue that work long after actively being coached or led.
Get intimate with your strengths and weaknesses.
Become more self-aware of areas for improvement and growth.
Be comfortable with giving up control over every situation.
Treat everything like you are new at it. This will help you let go of preconceptions and open yourself up to new ideas and information.
Keep your self-confidence, but let go of your ego. No one is perfect, we are all flawed. Once you accept that you are a work-in-progress, you make it easier to be coached.
Increase your flexibility and learn to adapt.
Think less immediate, and think more long-term. You know the path is not straight, and that setbacks are not failures but opportunities.
Trust the process and let go of assumptions.
Surround yourself with like-minded people. People who share similar passions and visions. Who understand the whole picture and not just their place in it.
Don’t always fight it, know when to accept it. You want feedback, you want to know ways you can improve, and you want to learn how you can be a better person and excel in all areas of your life.
What if you do all of these things, and still haven’t noticed any changes or improvements over time?
It might be time for the coachee to re-evaluate the coach.
Not everyone can actually be a coach, leader, or mentor. Just because someone claims to be leading you, doesn’t mean they are capable of doing so. Position and title do not determine qualification. It determined that a space needed to be filled, and perhaps on paper they had the skills. But personally and professionally, they are incompetent at leading. I bet some of them aren’t even coachable themselves. I bet some of them don’t have their emotions in check. I bet some of them don’t even know how to take constructive criticism, let alone know how to give it to someone else. I bet some of them don’t even know what a “teaching” moment even looks like. I bet some of them are quick to blame others for their shortcomings because they don’t know how to take responsibility for themselves.
A previous manager of mine liked to participate in disrespecting others to get her point across.
Being told that you “will never get anywhere in your career if you continue that way” was more reminiscent of an adult scolding a child than it was of a person trying to lead their team. That moment could have been used to create an opportunity to learn from, but instead, it was used to disrespect me and my concerns. In addition, it caused me to shut down and be indifferent towards her, my job, and never wanting to report an issue again.
Ironically enough, she was part of the same department of individuals that bred an environment brimming with negative criticism.
The only coaching I had was on what I was doing wrong or what they disapproved of. It wasn’t teaching me anything except how to be dismissive and play by my own rules to stay out of trouble. There were no solutions being offered, there was no active listening, and there sure wasn’t anything unbiased. Those who were supposed to be mentoring, leading, and coaching their teams to be the best they could be, were always pointing fingers at others, responding with emotion, and not cultivating a place that promoted improvement, growth, and development.
When I quit soccer, it was because a coach led me to temporarily lose my passion for it.
He was so focused on winning, that even when we had a tremendously good game as a team, it wasn’t good enough. I remember being screamed at on the bus because we were celebrating and congratulating each other on a great effort that unfortunately ended in a loss. He yelled at a bus full of young girls until his face was red and silence followed for the hour ride home. That was my final bus ride with the team. I regret letting him take that from me.
Those who are inadequate at coaching, make it obvious if we look closely enough and learn how to identify certain traits.
For example, some may try to fit you into the same box as someone else. Instead of treating you as an individual and working on your strengths and weaknesses, they are constantly trying to coach you in ways that don’t work for you in order to get you to fit as something you aren’t meant to be. To keep with the soccer theme, it would be like coaching someone to fit a specific position rather than finding out what position fits them best. Another poor trait would be that they don’t place value on self-improvement. If they do nothing to improve on their personal or professional development, how can they coach you to do the same? They choose not to evaluate their own shortcomings, and they choose not to evolve or change with time. How can you possibly learn from that?
Becoming more coachable and getting to know what makes a shitty leader, coach, and mentor will ensure that you develop into a successful individual and sought-after team player.
Until next week,
