Strong Personalities Aren’t Everyone’s Cup of Tea

CareerHealthy RelationshipsPersonal Development

Oct 6

Written By Natasha Kery

How to embrace your strong personality and use it to your advantage.
Because being called intimidating, confrontational, and bossy just means that you are confident, know what you want, and you aren’t willing to settle for bullshit.

I’m gonna start this week off with a list of sentences.

Sentences that others have said about me in regard to my strong personality:

I thought you were a bitch at first.
You’re very intimidating.
You tend to butt heads with management.
You need to watch how you speak or you’ll never get anywhere in your career.

Let’s not forget these colorful words:

Controlling
Confrontational
Hard to deal with
Argumentative

I have to thank Zach for the addition of these beauties while I was drafting this. Though I know he was joking, I’ve definitely heard these descriptions tossed my way a time or two. I want to talk about what each one of these items on these lists looked like for me in real-life scenarios.

“I thought you were a bitch at first.”

This is a great one that I used to get a lot. Am I really a bitch or did you just feel threatened by my presence? I feel like this goes further than just having a strong personality. This feels very woman-on-woman oriented. I would be remiss if I didn’t give full disclosure here. I have said this same exact thing in my younger years to other women. The difference is I do not continue to utilize it. It’s called growth. I grew from the need to label other women immediately. I decided to let their actions, words, and intentions speak for them. I let them be themselves, and I learned to navigate my conversations better with them. When you stop expecting someone to act a certain way, you see the truth sooner.

“You’re very intimidating.”

Another classic. Am I really intimidating or are you just that insecure? People will think you are intimidating because they don’t understand. They don’t understand how you don’t need validation. They don’t understand how you can be so comfortable with your own skills and knowledge. They don’t understand how you can be confident enough to be so upfront. They see you as dominating instead of strong. They want you to be weak, mousy, live quietly. But that isn’t you, nor is it me. I tend to exist loudly. I’m frank, I ask questions, I point out problems, I call people out (professionally of course). I am a solution-oriented person. That may be perceived by others as intimidating. And what did we learn last week? We are not responsible for others’ perceptions of us.

“You tend to butt heads with management.”

A PC way of calling me much worse in a professional environment. Am I really butting heads with management or are they just not sure how to handle me challenging them? I don’t like hearing excuses. Especially if there are no solutions offered. If I “butt heads” it’s because I will confront superficial answers. I will push, I will question. It comes across as bossy and challenging to weak management. I need to find answers to things I don’t know, I need to explore the “why” to better understand things, I want to make sure my concerns are actually going to be addressed.

The best part was I heard this one during one of my yearly evaluations. That was fun. I was totally caught off guard in a face-to-face small space. Back then, I was way more reactive. I know that I would have handled a response much differently today, but we live and learn. Looking back I also realized that it showed just how lacking my managers were in their own abilities. Their intentions were never to lead, only to manage people and the day-to-day functions. Needless to say, I didn’t last long at that one.

“You need to watch how you speak or you’ll never get anywhere in your career.”

Oh, this was my favorite one to hear. Do I really need to watch how I speak or are you just easily offended? Is it really about how I said something or are you just avoiding the real problem? This lovely statement came from my previous manager. I reported a problem to her with screenshots to back up my responses and the problem I had to deal with. This problem was ongoing, and it was about time that someone handled it. But what happened instead you ask? This statement.

My manager couldn’t even manage her own people but did not hesitate to tell me that my approach and choice of words were too harsh. The co-worker who I conversed with and reiterated rules to ended up quitting. Apparently, she was so shaken by our conversation, that she just decided to retire. Her emotional and professional frailty became the focus. No longer was my concern for the ongoing issues going to be addressed. I say ongoing issue because I worked with a lot of incompetent people, not just this one. Instead, we were going to focus on me. After my internalization of utter rage, I decided to swallow it down. I stewed, I went over it a million times in my head, I asked my friends for their input. I sat on it for a few months, I used it to drive my ambition. I swore that I would not let her words become my reality and determine my future. Now here I am, in a career she told me I would never have. The career I have because of my strong personality.

EAT THAT. I’m a little bit bitter about it, so let me have my petty moment…

I put on a strong facade now, but hearing these comments about myself always struck me like a slap to the face first.

I don’t consider myself to represent these thoughts other people have of me. But it would cause me to take a look at myself and re-evaluate. To make sure that I did in fact act in line with my morals, with my professional self, and with good intentions. Once the initial shock wore off, anger kicked in. Why would anyone say these things about me? What gives them the right to call me these names and make these assumptions? When anger dissipated with time, I used these comments to my advantage. I tucked away these comments for later. I used them to learn from and adapt to hostile environments. It motivated me, it drove me, it made me passionate to prove people wrong. Their weakness was not mine. They were deflecting back onto me. It was not about me, it was about them and their lack of self-awareness.

So why do people say these things?

Because they don’t understand. Because maybe they don’t have the confidence. Because maybe they are jealous or envious. They want you to be more digestible for them. They want you to come down to their level. Because in their minds, it’s easier to keep you down. To keep you below them or at least on an even playing field. Because they are still competing with you even though you are already too far ahead. And why are you ahead? Because you have what they lack, and you use it to help others succeed instead of tearing them down.

What I didn’t tell you yet is that almost all of these comments were from women.

And usually, it was women I worked with. Sadly, society makes women feel like they need to compete with each other constantly. Especially if they want to succeed and get ahead. When really we should be lifting each other up. Empowering one another to be the best, leaning on each other for support, collaborating to achieve success together. Instead, we tear each other down with words because of our own feelings, lack of self-awareness, and fear.